Kristi Noem Lied About the Wrong Things

Bye, girl.

For Noem, brutality was the point.

More Trump-Epstein files are released; Tucker Carlson is exiled from MAGA; oil prices are spiking; jobs numbers are falling; and the door hits Kristi on the way out.

We are, of course, well beyond the furthest reaches of parody.

On Wednesday night, Jimmy Kimmel spent much of his monologue highlighting former mixed martial arts fighter Markwayne Mullin as, perhaps, the dumbest member of the United States Senate.¹ On Thursday, Mullin was named Secretary of Homeland Security to replace Kristi Noem, who had just been summarily fired.

FFS, people. Happy Friday.

Note: Now more than ever, we have to remind ourselves that we are not the crazy ones. This is the challenge of our times; and the fight of our generation.

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Justice for Cricket

In re Noem: A few quick reflections.

Trump has been extremely reluctant to give his critics a scalp. So, imagine being too embarrassing, corrupt, and inept to be able to stay in Trump’s cabinet of misfit toys — more deplorable than Kash Patel, or the chodish SecDef, or Pam Bondi. Or RFK Jr., FFS

It’s also worth noting that Noem was not fired for (1) killing her puppy, (2) the cinematic brutality of ICE, (3) her cosplaying at migrant gulags, (4) the murder of two Americans in Minneapolis, or even for (5) her special assistant sidepiece, Corey Lewandowski.

Nor was she fired because she lied so often and so easily — including about her victims, like Alex Pretti. As we know, lying is not a disqualification in the Era of Trump.

Kristi’s problem that she lied badly and about the wrong things, and because she made Donald Trump look bad. During her incandescently awful Senate testimony, she said that Trump had approved her $200 million self-stroking ad campaign. Trump, reportedly, was displeased. “I ​never knew anything about it,” Trump told Reuters on Thursday morning.

It did not help that she had ordered up a gaudy only-Trump-gets-shit-like-this Gulfstream jet for herself, or that she was widely loathed on Capitol Hill for botching disaster aid. Apparently, even Stephen Miller had unfriended her.

By mid-afternoon, Kristi was fired via bleat and found herself a very lonely figure indeed, pummeled by both the right and the left. Trump’s decision to throw her under the bus, meant that she lost the favor of MAGA, and nobody seemed particularly anxious to step forward to defend the ICE Barbie who had been tossed in the remainder bin.

Exit take: The wheels of justice ground slowly for Cricket. But somewhere, my friends, a puppy is smiling.

Here comes Markwayne

FFS.

From the folks who brought you the nomination of Matt Gaetz as Attorney General, Kash Patel as director of the FBI, the dipsomaniacal Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Dickishness, and Russian catspaw Tulsi Gabbard as Director of National Intelligence… we get this season’s Blockbuster of Absurdity.

He will surely be confirmed by the supine Senate, even though they have seen this barking boob up close. His jerkitude has been bipartisan. He recently called his GOP colleague, Rand Paul, a “freaking snake.” Referring to the 2017 assault in which Paul’s neighbor attacked Paul and caused serious injuries. Mullin said he “understands completely why his neighbor did what he did,” and claimed he told Paul this directly.

Then there was his thuggish confrontation in a Senate hearing with labor leader Sean O’Brien (Teamsters). Mullin stood up, challenged O’Brien to “stand your butt up,” and appeared ready to brawl before Senator Bernie Sanders intervened.

So, no, the DHS is not about to become a kinder, gentler, or more rational place. But at least Corey is gone.

The Correspondents Beclown Themselves

I had planned a lengthy rant about the White House Correspondents Dinner, but it’s Friday and I’ve run out of ways to say “pathetic” and “spineless betrayal.”

The dinner has long — and rightfully — been despised for its display of elitist media star-fuqqing. But this year, the dinner — which claims to be a black tie “celebration of press freedom” — will descend into feculent farce as it welcomes and honors Donald J. Trump back.

ICYMI: Trump's Troubling RSVP

In a characteristically bombastic post on Truth Social, Trump said the WHCA had asked him “very nicely” to be the event’s honoree and promised to turn what is typically dubbed “nerd prom” into the “GREATEST, HOTTEST, and MOST SPECTACULAR DINNER, OF ANY KIND, EVER!”

Irony would burn, if it not already been immolated years ago.

The White House Correspondents’ Association’s decision to "happily" welcome Donald Trump to its annual dinner is not merely a lapse in judgment—it’s a deeply embarrassing betrayal of precisely the principles the organization purports to defend. By inviting a man who has spent his presidency attacking the First Amendment, the WHCA has transformed what should be a celebration of press freedom into a display of submission. The group is so craven that it has opted not to even have a comedian who might poke fun at the Orange God King at the event, choosing instead to invite a less provocative “mentalist.”

Ostensibly, the event will represent a “one-night truce” — as if everything that had happened is vaguely normal, or a sort of play-acting kabuki dance. But as the tuxedo-clad journos mingle with the rich, powerful, and beautiful perhaps they ought to reflect on the man who is the night’s honoree.

Trump habitually refers to the news media as “the enemy of the people,” “fake news,” “dishonest,” “corrupt,” “human scum,” and “some of the worst human beings you’ll ever meet” He attacks individual reporters and critics — “rude, terrible person” (Jim Acosta), “pathetic trainwreck” (Stephen Colbert), and “low-life” (Carol Leonnig). He famously called a Bloomberg reporter “piggy” and an ABC reporter a “terrible person”. Trump’s rhetoric has led to reporters being booed and harassed at rallies, and some have received death threats or required private security.

But his attacks have not been merely rhetorical. As Status noted:

Trump’s second term has been marked by an extraordinary series of actions targeting the press. His administration pushed the Associated Press out of certain White House events after the outlet refused to adopt Trump’s preferred name for the Gulf of Mexico; stripped the WHCA of its traditional authority over the press pool; exiled all major news organizations from the Pentagon; and waged legal warfare against major media organizations, including CBS News, The Wall Street Journal, and The New York Times.

His Justice Department has pursued aggressive leak investigations, including a search and seizure operation targeting a Washington Post journalist’s devices, and arrested Don Lemon. Federal Communications Commission chairman Brendan Carr has publicly targeted broadcasters, threatening regulatory action against news arms as well as late-night hosts such as Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert.

The administration has also moved to reshape the broader media ecosystem—defunding public broadcasters, while installing election denier Kari Lake to dismantle the U.S. Agency for Global Media and turn its outlets into MAGA mouthpieces. Along the way, Trump has continued his long-running rhetorical campaign against journalists, singling out female reporters with sexist insults and publicly ridiculing members of the press corps.

Writes Natalie Korach:

All of which raises an uncomfortable question hovering over this year’s dinner: Should the WHCA treat Trump as just another president participating in a century-old Washington tradition—or as someone who blatantly attacks First Amendment freedoms at every turn?

AYFKM?

Zelensky to the rescue?

Via Julia Ioffe:

Earlier this week, Volodymyr Zelensky offered to send Ukrainian air defense experts to the Gulf states to help fend off the drones, in exchange for their leaders pressuring Vladimir Putin to agree to a monthlong ceasefire. On Thursday, the Ukrainian president announced that Washington had requested Kyiv’s help countering Shaheds, and that he was sending “specialists” to help. “Ukraine has long sought to enter the market in the Middle East,” said Carnegie’s Michael Kofman, my go-to Ukraine military analyst. “Recently, Ukraine changed its laws on exporting weapons and technology so drone companies can raise capital by making contracts abroad.”

The Demoralization of America

ICYMI: In 25-Country Survey, Americans Especially Likely To View Fellow Citizens as Morally Bad | Pew Research Center

The United States is the only place we surveyed where more adults (ages 18 and older) describe the morality and ethics of others living in the country as bad (53%) than as good (47%).

Friday dogs

It’s thundering outside, so Eli is going to his safe place: the bathtub.

1. Kimmel noted that — among other things — Mullin seemed unclear about which country we had just bombed.