Something different today. Instead of politics, we’re going to talk about life and death and grief. In this case, the death of a child.
In this special “To the Contrary” episode, I sit down with Danielle Crittenden, whose daughter Miranda died suddenly two years ago. Crittenden recently published Dispatches from Grief: A Mother's Journey Through the Unthinkable. We discuss life after loss, how to talk about grief, and the awkward moments that arise when you tell others you've lost someone you love.
The book was excerpted here: On Losing a Daughter - The Atlantic (Gift link)
My husband, David, hates Valentine’s Day. He once called it “New Year’s Eve with nuclear weapons.” I pretend not to care. Still, when the day passes entirely unremarked on, a woman can’t help but feel overlooked.
On Valentine’s Day 2024, David found a way out. He booked a speech on February 14 that required traveling from our home in Washington, D.C., to Toronto. I couldn’t object—he was getting paid. Anyway, I had my own plans: an “anti–Valentine’s Day” dinner hosted by one of the foreign embassies.
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As I got ready, I called our oldest daughter, Miranda. She answered from her Brooklyn bathroom, getting ready for her own party. She propped her phone up beside her sink and laughed when I told her about her father’s strategic Valentine’s Day escape.
I asked what she planned to wear. She sent a selfie: It showed her looking at her bathroom mirror; her straight rose-gold hair bobbed along her jawline. A strapless black top exposed her pale, delicate shoulders. (Too pale and delicate, I worried reflexively, maternally.)
“Stunning,” I texted back.
It was the last communication I’d ever have with her.
Two days later, I was coming down the stairs when David’s voice shattered the morning. Words tumbled out in fragments: Miranda’s best friend calling from the apartment. Found unconscious. Not breathing. Maybe—
I seized the phone from David’s shaking hand. I could hear a police officer’s radio chatter, the soundtrack to all urban tragedy.
“I’m sorry—” a voice began.
What is the opposite of giving birth?
Danielle Crittenden and David Frum: How to Survive Losing a Child - The Atlantic
From her Substack: What to Say to Someone Who Is Grief-Stricken
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Some highlights of my conversation with Danielle Crittenden
The catastrophic loneliness of grief.
“The Dark Night of the Soul”
Danielle’s story about the cheery hotel desk man. Danielle and her daughter, Bea, had gone to New York to clear out Miranda’s daughter’s apartment…
How the “digital haunting” triggers grief
